What if your child does not want to go to school?
By Allison Haslett, Ph.D.
Possible causes of school refusal:
- Anxiety about friendships, social situations, or school performance
- Feelings and thoughts of insecurity
- Worrying about situations such as failure, bullying, or not being able to navigate the school building
- Leaving their comfort zone after the pandemic
- Difficulty with transitions and changes
Tips to ease the transition:
1. Prepare your child
Prepare your child with what to expect in a typical school day. Attend any orientations or back to school nights that are available. If your child is struggling to find their way around the building or having locker difficulty, reach out to guidance counselors.
2. Organize the night before school
Have everything prepared the night before including lunches, backpacks, and water bottles. Clothes should be picked out and tried on. All homework should be completed and put away. Everything should be waiting at the front door ready to go.
3. Set realistic expectations
Talk with your child honestly about expectations for the school year. Focus on your child doing their best and being proud of their own work, rather than specific grade achievements (e.g., all A’s). Although every parent would like their child to do well, encouraging them to do their best, and being sure your child knows they are not expected to know all the answers, can help ease their anxiety which, in turn, may boost their motivation and grades.
4. Encourage a growth mindset
Teach your child that they can improve in their areas of weakness if they practice skills and work hard. Use examples from characters in familiar movies, books, or shows.
5. Connect with a point person
Be sure to connect with a teacher, guidance counselor, or school psychologist to be a point person for your child in the school if they need someone to speak with, experience bullying, or need an emotional break from the school day.
6. Remind your child of the positives
Speak with your child about aspects of school in which they enjoy and can be excited about. If your child has not seen their peers this summer or is experiencing social anxiety, remind them of a few students in their class in which they have had positive experiences with.
7. Be mindful of anxiety disguised as noncompliance
Fears about the transition back to school may present as noncompliance. Instead of yelling at your child, taking things away, or punishing your child, it is more effective to sit down and speak with them about their resistance to school. This will increase understanding, support, and connection, which increases compliance.
8. School refusal is a severe problem
School refusal is a severe problem which can disrupt family routines. If your child is refusing to attend school for more than three days, consider having your child evaluated by a psychologist who can potentially help your child develop coping skills to manage underlying stress or anxiety. Therapy can also offer parenting strategies to ease tensions and increase your child’s motivation to attend school. Your child’s psychologist may be able to consult with your child’s school to develop an effective plan.
Warning signs your child may be struggling:
- Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
- Changes in appetite
- Constant questioning or seeking reassurance
- Increased physical complaints such as stomaches or headaches
- Frequent visits to the nurse
- Change in child’s behavior or mood
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If you need additional support, please contact us through our website, by email at info@compasspsychnj.com, or by phone at (732) 778-6360.
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